What to Do If Your Partner Is Ignoring You
Relationships can be great teachers. They show us our blind spots, areas we’re needing some support and, things you can let go of. If you feel like your partner - whether it be a new relationship or old - is ignoring you, take this as information. Information of your own reaction, your partner’s attachment style, and potentially things that need to change.
If your partner is ignoring you, here’s what you can do.
First, take a deep breath. No, seriously, take a deep breath. Our brains aren’t fully “online” when we’re reacting from our emotions. Take some time to calm your nervous system. Try practicing square breathing, do a few jumping jacks, go outside and get some fresh air. Do whatever you need to do to ensure that you are reacting from a calm, grounded, and level-headed place.
To utilize your critical thinking skills, you’ll need the prefrontal cortex online. This part of your brain isn’t fully working when you are operating from your emotions. Take a further look at this in-depth explanation of the brain’s different regions.
What to do when your boyfriend ignores you
If you’ve done all you need to do to regulate your own system and your boyfriend, or girlfriend is still ignoring you, proceed as follows. First, notice how this makes you feel - perhaps it brings up anger, sadness, frustration. Use this feelings wheel to really get in touch with your emotions. Next, get clear about what is triggering you. Does it bring up worst-case scenarios in your mind? Fears of a catastrophic accident? Or is it more of an emotional, abandonment thing? Regardless of what it is, it’s totally normal.
Next, remember this feeling and the triggering event (perhaps jot it down in a journal or a note on your phone). Make sure to bring this up to your partner when they do respond… yes, they will respond.
Be as clear as possible. “Hey, when you didn’t respond for _ # of hours, it made me feel emotion X, Y, and Z. In the future, can you do X instead?” Try to talk about what happened in a way that is observational and can’t be disputed. There’s a phone record - if there was no response for 12 hours, say that explicitly.
Most importantly, your emotions are your emotions! Share that with your partner and see how they respond. No one is a mind-reader, if you don’t share what happens when you feel ignored, there’s no way they will know how to change their behavior.
What to do if your boyfriend is still ignoring you after sharing your emotions and making a request.
If you’ve shared explicitly how being ignored impacts you and the behavior continues, again this is information. It’s not necessarily a deal-breaker, but it is important to take note of. Is this the type of communication you want and value in a committed relationship? Is this a style of behavior you are okay with?
Everyone deserves dignity and respect in relationships (romantic or not). If your boyfriend or girlfriend is still ignoring you, this is generally not acceptable, nor normal behavior. A push-pull, inconsistent communication pattern doesn’t make for long-lasting, sustainable love.
You are allowed to leave your relationship at any time. Keep note of communication styles that don’t work for you and address them as soon as you notice them moving forward. Or, share what works for you before an issue occurs.
How this relates to attachment styles
I like to think of attachment styles by using the anchor, wave, and island metaphors developed by Stan Taktin.
ANCHOR, WAVES, AND ISLANDS
Anchors are usually easygoing and cooperative by nature and can handle the complexities of emotional intimacy. They can go long periods of time without communication or closeness without high levels of anxiety.
More often than not, these traits developed thanks to a secure relationship with a primary caregiver growing up. They’re able to translate these characteristics into adult relationships. Their systems have a knowing of security, contentment, and safety.
Waves have a desire for intimacy and connection with a partner. They can be passionate and fun to be around, yet they live in fear of abandonment, withdrawal, rejection, and punishment. Just like waves of the ocean can be inconsistent, so can this style of attachment. They can become anxious and avoidant, or overly clingy and obsessive.
This is usually due to inconsistent emotions of a primary caregiver, or the need to ignore their own emotions as a child to tend to an adult’s.
Islands have a hard time staying connected in close relationships and often crave independence, freedom, and creativity. When the going gets tough, they often want out. They are used to self-soothing from a young age, rather than connecting with another person for support.
Here’s the bright side, attachment styles can change
Humans are complex, fascinating creatures that are wired for connection. Over time, two partners’ nervous systems can begin to regulate each other. One partner’s anxious tendencies can become more grounded, secure, and relaxed in the presence of another partner with a secure attachment style.
So, if your boyfriend still hasn’t called back. There’s hope. First, try to regulate your own nervous system. Tend to yourself like a caregiver would tend to a child. Take a bath, read a book, dance it out. Do what you ‘gotta do. And then communicate! State your needs, a clear request, and a desire for follow-through. Know that sharing this vulnerability will only bring you closer.
What to do when he doesn’t call back
Remember, this is all information. If this happens daily, yet you haven’t said anything about it - information. If this rarely happens, yet you react like it happens everyday - information. Perhaps it’s bringing up other, more dormant feelings in you that need tending to. Talk it out with people you trust, a therapist, or people in relationships you admire. There’s always room for growth.
